duanebradley

20 August 2008 @ 10:28 am

I had a dream last night that I was working for an ad company and I was in charge of coming up with a tag line for their newest product: a meat watch, which is exactly what it sounds like: a wristwatch made entirely of meat. All I could come up with was "Don't be late for your next meating, get a meat watch."

I think I need to get my brain examined.

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19 August 2008 @ 05:36 pm

Some fun quotes from last week

While at the liquor store with Jesse---

     Jesse: Should we get some Sparks?

     Me: What the fuck is Sparks?

     Jesse: It's a caffeinated energy drink with like, 7% alcohol.

     Me: Sounds like "beat your girlfriend fuel" to me.

At a bonfire at Amy's---

     Me: You tried to start an orgy one night?

     Amy: Hey, I'm all about the free love...

     Me: Yeah, well I don't wanna end up at the free clinic.

And lastly, this one doesn't need to be put into context to be funny---

     Me: That reminds of when I used to work for a company called Horsecock Racecars...

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21 July 2008 @ 01:56 am

I guess it's a real movie.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bamboozled

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20 July 2008 @ 03:02 am

Sometimes lying still and doing nothing is exactly what he wants you to do...

I drove an hour this morning to go to Larimer county where they had a free dental clinic for low income families and individuals. I saw it on the news last night so I decided why the fuck not? I had an assessment done last year and my doc said I needed some cavities filled and possibly a tooth extracted. Then I lost my insurance after getting only a small amount of it taken care of.

I decided it would be best to just stay up all night and leave early in case there was a line. I didn't expect the line to be anything like what is was. I did get there about a half hour before the doors opened, but there was already about a 150 or so people in line. They had planned to see about a thousand people in 12 hours so I was still one of the early birds. I was stuck in line next to two anime fanboys and one of their mothers. Only one of the fanboys needed work, but he was a big pussy, so he had his roommate and his roommates mommy come with him. So I had to sit there in line for about an hour and a half to 2 hours and listen the them rattle on to the mother about different types of demons and talk about anime characters as though they were their real life bffs.

Once inside the building I saw that this was all to take place in a large gymnasium of sorts. Imagine an enormous gym with over a hundred portable dentist chairs set up. Just the sight of that was something of headscratcher. It would make for a good photo for Amy's next caption contest. So anyways the process was now underway. We first had to fill out a short form and then wait 20 minutes for our number to be called.

Then we got our vitals checked.

Then we got in line to get checked for oral cancer.

Then we got in line to get our assessments of our needs.

They told me I had to get like 5 or so fillings. They were just scribbling stuff down and I didn't catch the exact number. At this point I'd had 2 hours of sleep in the past 36 hours, so I wasn't really interacting, just answering questions and trying not to bite fingers while doing so. They also told me I would have to come back the next day and get a tooth yanked, since I was already having so much work done in one sitting. It was another half an hour before I got to get into another line. This line was for the novocaine. They shoot you full of that and then you wait for an open chair. The dentist just waves a red card when he needs a patient and you are taken over to see him. It's really a very well laid out and fluid process, but confusion and chaos still spring up here and there. So back to the anesthetics. They have a small booth with hanging fabric walls where they have 8 chairs. I'm sitting in line waiting to enter the booth for my shots when all of a sudden the cloth door to the station flies open and they call for a paramedic NOW. Paramedics rush in. I pull back the curtain and see them rush in. Then I close the curtain and decide I will probably just freak myself out if I watch them. I consider fleeing for a moment and going home and then think about how many hours I had been waiting at this point. I decide to stay. They stop sending people into the booth while the paramedics are there. About 10 minutes later the paramedics walk out with the victim. It's the fucking fanboy. And he's fucking limping. Limping. I have no idea what the fuck went down in there, but dude is limping out of the booth and now I wish I HAD looked.

They decide to only numb a small portion of my mouth, as the lines are long and they don't want it to wear off by the time I get into a chair. The dentists also have novocaine so they can numb the rest when they need too. They give me a few shots and I am feeling NOTHING. So they give me a few more and still nothing. She had given me the long lasting stuff because I might have to wait awhile, but it's just not kicking in fast enough. So then she gives me a shot of the faster acting stuff and sends me on my way.
There was no wait for me going from anesthetics to the dentists chair, so my novocaine still hadn't set in. The doc and myself were ready to get things underway, so we decided to go with one more shot and get started. He did one filling and then set out to numb the other side. Same problem, I can't get numb. I've never had that problem before, but my shit just won't go numb. So he pumps that side full of junk and we get started on that side, after doing a few of the fillings the doc tells me how impressed he was by my calmness. He was truly blown away, and I was a little surprised by it too. I didn't flinch once. Not even while getting around 10-13 shots in my mouth while still having feeling, and not while sitting there for over 2 hours while getting the fillings. I was a rock. I would just close my eyes, daydream, and throw up a thumbs up when the doc asked how I was doing. He was so surprised and so impressed in fact, that he decided to go ahead and do the extraction, saving me the hassle of coming back and wasting another day in line. And then he even offered to fix my chipped front tooth. I hadn't mentioned it because it's purely cosmetic and this was a free clinic for those in need, but he said he could do it in a few minutes no problem, just because I had been such a breeze to work on. Fuck yes, doc, do that shit up.

Up next, the extraction. OMG. I knew it would be bad, and I knew it would be uncomfortable, but Jeepers H. Crackers. The tooth was a particularly difficult one according to the doc, but he decided he would give a good try before he sent me to the oral surgeons. I was all for avoiding surgery, so I ignored the pain of him wrenching on my skull for about 15 minutes to work it loose. THAT SHIT HURT. Like HECK. He finally yanked 'er loose and sent me on my way. I was a little dizzy upon standing, but I think that was mostly because I had been on my back staring at a bright light for the past 3 hours. He gave me some free pain pills and then I was on my way. At this point I could barely say thanks, as my entire tongue was numb and my entire lower jaw felt as though it had fallen clean off. Then there was a brief exit interview. WTF is this? I can't even hold my own saliva in my mouth, and you want me to discuss my experience? I grabbed the gals pen and paper and just wrote my own answers down, but not before attempting to speak and drooling spit and blood on myself. Utter mushmouth, I couldn't form a single word, and I had to literally shove my tongue back into my mouth.

The hour long drive home was terrible. I couldn't feel my bottom lip, so I had a hard time keeping everything in my mouth. I had to pull over once and spit everything out, but I couldn't even spit right, so I had to resort to a controlled drool. I made it home and swapped out the gauze a few times before taking a nap. Then I woke up to find that my gauze had gone missing. Did I swallow it? I don't know, but it is nowhere to be found.

So now I am just sitting in bed, popping pills, tasting blood. I'm simply tickled pink by how, on a whim, I decided to get a mouthful of dental work done, and how much different things would be if I had just turned off the news, masturbated and went to bed...

But on the real, I am blown away by the kindness and the sheer benevolence and altruism of these dentists and their assistants. They received no pay, and most of them had to endure long drives themselves to come perform the free work (makes me wish we could've car pooled). I heard some of the workers had put in 14 hours on Friday, only to come right back and do it again on Saturday and Sunday. I am eternally grateful. I'll be writing a letter of thanks for sure.

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19 July 2008 @ 07:19 am

(no subject)

I forgot that the dental industry is chock full of attractive twenty-something females. And here I am with my 3-day-old dirt 'stache.

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19 July 2008 @ 06:10 am

(no subject)

There's something disheartening about watching a man answer his new 3G iPhone and discuss his plans to party all weekend while he's standing in line for free dental work for low income families. Also, someone in this line has some crazy halitosis. After a brief and nonchalant hand cup self check (under the guise of a cough), I have determined that it isn't me, but is in fact the spanish speaking man behind me watching me type this into my phone. Buenos Dias, Sewermouth!

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19 July 2008 @ 06:00 am

(no subject)

Free bagels? Thx, I'll take 8. But why the fuck are you feeding us right before you work on our teeth? I brushed and flossed for 20 minutes before I came here. I even turned down the granola bars as a courtesy to these benevolent volunteer dentists when they came around ten minutes ago, but sorry doc, anyone that knows JayCo knows that JayCo doesn't turn down a free bagel.

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19 July 2008 @ 05:44 am

(no subject)

I wish I would have brought a book. This line is slower than any of the ones encountered at disneyworld. And this line doesn't have a fun ending. At disneyworld you leave soaked in water spit at you by a monster at the climax of the ride. Here you have blood and saliva covering your shirt in it's stead. Instead of lasers, lights, and sirens, you get needles, drills and the maddening sound of saliva being sucked from a hundred mouths simultaneously.

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18 July 2008 @ 05:40 am

WTF IS THIS?

I don't know, but LOL @ Michael Rapaport.

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18 July 2008 @ 05:22 am

(no subject)

Just watched a story on the morning news saying that tomatoes are safe to eat again. Before I had a chance to be happy about that (I looooove tomatoes) they said that the FDA is saying to stay away from hot peppers. This after I had just eaten a plate full of nachos with guess what--- a shitload of hot peppers. Should I go make myself vomit?

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11 July 2008 @ 10:08 pm

How do you feel about golden showers?

I've been looking for friends on strictly platonic lately, just copying and pasting my 'resume', a general description of myself, and seeing what sort of replies I get. I met a stripper named Kat that, believe or not, is shaping up to be a funny, intelligent girl. We are meeting for beers next week. But that's not what this post is about. This post is about Jen Jarvis. Jen Jarvis seems to be the EXACT person I would never want to sit next to on a train, let alone meet on my own volition.

First, here's my resume---

Hey, I saw your post on strictly platonic and you sounded interesting.

Let me give you the rundown on me.

My name is Josh and I'm a 26 years old. I moved to Denver from Grand Forks, North Dakota a few months ago. My girlfriend moved to Colorado Springs a few months ago as well, and I have a few friends here in Denver that I know from back home, but I decided I need more friends.

Music---
My car was recently broken into and my ipod stolen, so since then my radio pretty much stays on NPR. When I had the convenience of an MP3 player my playlist regularly consisted of Led Zeppelin(I loooove classic rock), Rilo Kiley, The Elected, The Pixies, Feist (the girlfriend and I have VIP box seat tickets for her show at the Fillmore this month), Nellie Mckay, Metric, Emily Haines, and Bjork.

Television---
Arrested Development is by far my alltime favorite. I also love the Office(both versions), Curb your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, and Flight of the Conchords(got to meet them once in NYC)

Movies---
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is easily my favorite. I also like Super Troopers and I just saw two films called "But I'm a cheerleader" and "The Baxter" and loved them both.

I just got laid off from my job so this means I've a lot of free time lately (about 24 hours a day). This also means I have no bed time or curfew, so if you wanna grab a beer on a Tuesday, I won't whine about only being able to have a couple.

I'm pretty much down for anything. Bike rides, hiking, movies, concerts, museums, bars, anything. I've recently taken a liking to a gay bar called Charlie's on Colfax. They have fifty cent beers and karaoke on Wednesdays. That reminds me--- if you are at all homophobic or close-minded, don't even bother replying to this email.

I would like to point out that I mentioned my lady friend multiple times for a reason. I was browsing strictly platonic because that is what I'm looking for. I love my lady and wouldn't cheat on her in a million years (or two million for that matter). But I am also in love with having fun and will not disappoint if challenged to make you laugh.

Call or text or send an email.

This is her response

from jenflower81@yahoo.com
so josh if u r st8 why u hang out at a gay bar??? not phobic at all infact I LOVE gay men and lesbians but dont know many...well i would like to chat via e mail if thats ok for a bit just because I think its safer and frakly I dont want to waste anyones time if we are not compatable...ya know? so sounds like so far we have alot in common...would ur girl be ok with u hanging out with me?

Sounds like we have a lot in common? A computer with an internet connection, I'll grant you that, but I'm pretty sure that's where our similarities end. I googled her email address, and while I didn't find anything directly linked to her email, I did find this page attributed to jenflower81 on answerbag.com. Based on the questions she's asked, it can be determined she is a single mother of two with a piss fetish. I'll bet even her friends don't know about that last bit. It's amazing the things you can find out about a perfect stranger just but googling their email acct.

Do I send a reply and make myself out to be a pee freak, just to make her think she has finally found Mr Right? Or do I turn the answerbag link over to child services?

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08 July 2008 @ 11:38 pm

I am the king of nachos.

Bring it.

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06 July 2008 @ 08:51 pm

(no subject)

Went thrift store and flea market shopping on Saturday. Also went to a bookstore with 2 cats in it. Had fun, but felt more like a gay shopping buddy than a boyfriend.

Also started talking to a girl that I met on Craigslist. So far she sounds like someone who would be fun to hang out with. She seems smart and I can tell already she's funny. She's also married and is a stripper.

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30 June 2008 @ 05:53 am

(no subject)

So I just read a story called "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk. I was watching a video of him talking about how at last count a few years ago, 71 people had fainted at book readings during that story. So I had to read it and see what all the fuss was about. Now, I know I don't have the stomach of a 40 year old housewife, and I suppose 4chan has perhaps desensitized me a bit, but I really didn't see what the big deal was. I thought the second anecdote was grosser than the third one, personally. Just didn't gross me out all that much. Once I was aware what was gonna happen in the last anecdote, I just had a big grin on my face. I haven't read a whole lot of Palahniuk in the past, just Fugitives and Refugees(non-fiction) and Choke. While I did enjoy those books and this story, I can see why people categorize him as a shock writer. The rest of the interview I saw was Mr. Palahniuk talking about his book called Rant. He made it sound pretty good, but then I suppose no author is going to tell you "This book is crap, don't waste your money", but he made it sound so good that I added it to my list at the library. The Aurora library is so cool. You can just login online and tell them what books you want. They have like eight locations, so when your book comes in, they'll drive it over to the library closest to you and drop it off and call or email you when it's ready to be picked up. The one closest to me is a short walk from my house. I am very excited to start reading again (and perhaps writing and updating this thing more, I always seem to lose interest in writing when I haven't read in a while). I've been far too lazy about both for far too long.

I just realized this post seems like it was written by a 15 year-old with ADD but I don't care enough to make it flow better. Hey, have you ever seen an albino peacock? Jet Li is my favorite actor. Do you wanna go get some coffee? My dad drives a Hyundai... I think I need some ritalin. Or some one to talk to. Being unemployed in a city full of strangers makes you a bit batty.

And here's the link tp the story---

http://www.seizureandy.com/stuff/guts.html

----------------
Now playing: The Magnetic Fields - Busby Berkeley Dreams
via FoxyTunes

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29 June 2008 @ 04:58 am

Technically Concious

Been up for 24 hours and I still can't sleep. I've had WAY too much stuff on my mind these last couple of days. Seems all I can do anymore is toss and turn and sweat in bed. I wish I could die. Or at least fall into a light coma until things sort themselves out. I wish she would call again. I feel strange calling her, but I love hearing her voice.

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28 June 2008 @ 05:08 pm

(no subject)

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02 May 2008 @ 09:52 pm

Welcome to Morning Edition.

I decided I want to be Steve Inskeep for Halloween this year. Unfortunately, the only girl I know that would agree to be my Renee Montagne (or find this costume idea even remotely funny) lives in Grand Forks. Back to the drawing board. Maybe Duane Bradley?

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28 April 2008 @ 03:17 pm

(no subject)

I miss going down the pet supplies aisle at the grocery store.

And I miss picking out treats that I think my kitties would like.

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25 April 2008 @ 10:55 pm

;_;

FWD:(Nicole) Can you move back here...i want my friend back

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21 April 2008 @ 10:34 pm

Me n my best friend Rhiannon.

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